The masks I wear
by Alandor Mersoc
Summary: We all wear masks, we do it for many reasons, to fit in, to pretend to like something, to act in a way that seems to best suit everyone. What happens when you define your life by these masks, and what will happen when they finally break?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing

The masks I wear

Sitting in the empty park Shinji Ikari couldn't help but let his guard lower. Surrounded by green grass and an open blue sky he felt at peace.

'I am so tired of being here, the abuse, the teasing, if this is all that life offers me why should I stay.' It wasn't a question; he knew he would stay if only to help another but it bore down on him. He hated the feeling of oppression.

All his life he has had nothing, no friends, no family, and no one to love. He had vague memories of his mother, and that she had given him love but even those were lost to him. They say that time heals all wounds, but the problem is that given enough time you will forget the good as well as the bad. Shinji had long ago forgotten the good times he had spent with his mother.

He wouldn't lie and say that Tokyo-3 hadn't had somewhat enjoyable moments, but they seemed lost in the constant turmoil of life in the fortress city.

For every day something good happened, there were weeks of lonely isolation and pain. He wore his masks to let others think he was doing just fine. People thought him slow, stupid, and a coward, but they were just the masks that he wore for those around him. Always living up to their expectations regardless of what they were.

A trait he found useful for survival, he was a highly adaptable person, knowing what others wanted and needed and he would act accordingly.

Even when he ran from them it was only because it was expected that he would leave. But adaptability at surviving meant that he was never able to live.

He knew he was a coward, he knew that his isolation came from the fact that he wore his masks to protect himself, for over ten years he would swap personalities and be the type of person that another would need him to be.

Alone in a crowded area or alone in a secluded park, he would always choose the park, for at least there he never had to wear a mask for another. For in those times by himself he could wear the one mask he had never realised he had, but the one everyone thought was his personality. He could wear the mask of self-pity.

"I hate it, I hate lying, pretending I just want it all to stop." He whispers to the world hoping that someone will hear his voice to tell him it was alright that he did not need to wear these masks.

He whispers the words never speaking them to loud encase what he wants were to come true, he has not known a life without his masks. He has hidden behind them for so long that he is afraid to lose them and see the person that he really is.

A gentle breeze moves through the park, bringing warm air with it, and yet he can't help but shudder as it washes over him.

He felt tired sitting in the park, the warm air making his eyelids feel heavy, he had only two options stay and maybe fall asleep, or go back to his apartment and wear his masks. He lay back on the grass wanting to stay in the calm park for a little bit longer. He knew it was unavoidable he would have to eventually go back, but right now he could stay.

Closing his eyes he thought about all the people he had met since coming to the city, all the different types of personalities and how he acted with each one. How he crafted his masks so they all would see the type of person they expected of him, as well as how they all would come to the same conclusion. He was Shinji Ikari, Pilot, nothing special. It wasn't hard they all took one look at him and thought he was an average person. Acting the way the mass expects is easy.

He thought about how he had to act around some of those that are closer to him, how he had to convince them all that regardless what he did he was nothing special. He was just a scared timid boy.

He could feel the self-loathing rise up in his chest, he didn't like to play pretend, but it was who he was. It was easier to deal with the idea that the people around him felt at worst indifference towards him, rather than having them hate him.

He didn't want to be hated, he wanted to be liked and loved, but that was hard and if he made some people like him he could accidently make others hate him. So it was easier to just have them indifferent towards him.

As he lay on the grass he couldn't help but feel angry, angry at himself for how he lives, angry at others for how they treat him, he was never hated but he was treated as less than human, he had welcomed it. As long as it wasn't hate he welcomed any other emotion directed towards him. And he was angry at himself for welcoming it.

He wanted to break the mask that he wore for them, he wanted to stand on his feet and be who he was, and not what others thought he should be. In these brief moments were they only times he was closest to life without a mask. He wanted to be able to feel the pain of life he didn't welcome it but wanted to not be afraid of it.

In these moments he wanted to be done with his fears, to not shrink away from those around them to yell out and rebel against a world that he thought was unfair. To be the teenager he was not able to be.

But as fast as the emotions came they would leave and he would resign himself to the fate that he had, that he was forever afraid of being hurt by others, that he would always be stuck wearing his masks. Taking the abuse with a smile and accepting that this was his place in the world, to be exactly what others thought he would be.

"Never what they need, or want but only what they thought. I hate this existence so much." The words were barely a whisper, they were not words meant for another. They were spoken as a way to remove them from his mind hoping that if at least spoken they may not resurface. It would never work.

So as he picked himself up from the grass he adorned his mask and went back to being what the people expected him to be, not a fighter, not a hero, but a shy introverted kid who hated what he was.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

School was the easiest place for him to be, it was also the place he hated more than any other. Here he acted the part of the shy timid boy, he blended into a crowd and if he stood out at all it was basically because he didn't stand out or rock the boat. He hated being there because it was the reminder that he was not a normal teenage boy, he wanted to be able to do all the things that the other students could do. Laugh with friends, hang out on the weekends, and join a club all the things that they took for granted.

He would have traded anything if he could have had the problems they had and not his own fears. He was jealous of his best friend, the biggest concern that the boy had was over the welfare of the sister that was injured because of his inability to pilot. Shinji was jealous for he had never known anything like that in his life. To feel something that strongly that they would do anything for someone else.

He knew that if truly wanted someone to believe he felt like that he could convince them, but he would never be able to convince himself. It was always something that made him feel hollow, he could show the world whatever it wanted to see but that wouldn't mean that it was true.

He would talk and laugh, be embarrassed by what they say and play the part of a friend. But in the end that was all that he was doing, playing the part, never really being able to be the friend that they deserve.

He lay on the roof watching the clouds move by, he knew he should of went back to class, put on the mask of the boy they all see. But as he sat there during lunch the warm breeze made him feel tired so he lay down for a while. The funny thing for him was that he didn't have the energy to sit around and pretend.

He knew that only a few would notice his absence, Asuka would say he was off being an idiot and doing something perverted. Toji would think that he should have done the same thing as him. Kensuke would think that it had something to do with Nerv regardless of the fact that both Asuka and Rei where there and Rei herself would take note and leave it at that.

The teacher and the rest would most likely forget that he even showed up for the day, it wasn't a problem the only person who would cause a fuss was Asuka. And oddly enough she was the easiest out of them all to deal with. 'She will complain for a while and then write me off before I can even speak.'

Every so often he found a benefit to how people viewed him, if they have prejudged him it meant he didn't have to put effort towards defending himself. The negative was that Asuka's judgements held little to no basis on fact and usually was the worst possible case.

Sighing he decided he would deal with that problem when it happened and would enjoy the peace of laying on the empty roof.

He wasn't too sure how long he had been there the sun was going down so he had probably fallen asleep.

"Ahem"

Startled by the noise he opened his eyes to find the class rep standing at the open door to the roof with a very annoyed look on her face.

"And why didn't you come back to class?"

'She noticed?' was the only thought that went through his head; he had to mentally kick himself for forgetting about her being in school today. Going over the options in his head he decided on the one that seemed best.

"Ah…"

Playing dumb was the safest bet, she would continue with the belief that he was an idiot and fell asleep during lunch. 'I think I have used the excuse before.' He wasn't completely sure if he had, but he thought it the best choice.

"Ah isn't an answer Ikari, why weren't you in class after lunch."

"Ah…"

Now he felt like the proverbial deer in the headlights, someone had once said that if at first you don't succeed try, try and try again.

"You know you're on clean up duty today?"

"Ah…"

Shinji was beginning to lean towards Einstein's line of thinking that insanity was best defined by repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results.

"Sorry" when out of all other options it was best to apologise, he learnt that lesson fast. It made people think they were in the right. And usually when someone thought they were in the right they would tend to become happier.

However his main problem right now was that he didn't know which mask would best suit the situation, apologising would only buy him so much time. It would be up to him to decide what the best course of action from there was.

Looking at the class rep he noted that she seemed only somewhat happy with his apology. While his interaction with the girl was not as much as Asuka's, he had built up a fairly reasonable type of image for her. He had expected her to be happy with the apology; he knew she wouldn't blow him off and leave like Asuka would but he had expected her to be happier with the remark.

"That doesn't answer my question and you are still on clean up duty" her voice is neither hard nor sharp, to her she is simply stating a fact.

Deciding to play the part of the timid boy he slowly got up, bowing his head he made another apology and offered a weak reply.

"Ah…Sorry, I must of dosed off at lunch...I will get to cleaning." Bowing again for emphasis he left the roof.

He felt sick with himself, how he hated it, he hated every time he went through the timid routine, for no other reason than he just wanted to say something else. Do anything else, but to go against what they thought of him could bring hate, and while he was fine hating himself, he didn't want to be hated by another.

Entering the classroom he goes about the cleaning duties that have been assigned to him. He doesn't bother to wonder who is supposed to be on cleaning duty with him. Whoever it was had probably left already, it wouldn't be the first time. The only people who ever stayed were Asuka, Kensuke, Rei and Toji. And out of them Asuka would only wait until he was done doing the work, the others would actually help with the clean-up duties.

He didn't really mind it, he was used to having to do all the cleaning duties in the apartment, and it was something the rest of the class expected of him.

"So why where you asleep on the roof?"

The words shook him from his thoughts, turning around from cleaning the tops of the desk he saw Hikari wiping down the bored. 'Was she also on duty today?' He couldn't remember he usually checked what day it was and if it was with Kensuke or Toji. Though he was fairly certain that the name on the list had started with an M, though it wouldn't be the first time he had made the mistake.

He decided to answer her question with a question, "Wasn't someone else meant to be on clean up duty today?" It wasn't hard to stutter for the question he felt somewhat uncomfortable around the class rep. He wasn't too sure why he felt uncomfortable but that didn't help him not be. It was odd to him he liked the idea that he felt naturally uncomfortable around someone. Usually he knew why he was either uncomfortable around others or he knew that they would expect him to be uncomfortable.

"Makoto was supposed to be on duty today, he said that he had to leave early, so I decided to help."

'I knew it began with an M' that thought aside he had to wonder why she bothered to stay behind.

"So, roof answer."

Looking up he at her he smiled sheepishly, "I fell asleep during lunch, guess I slept for too long" it was technically the truth he didn't have to tell her he hadn't planned on coming back to class until he had to do the clean-up duty. 'Usually Toji is the one to come wake me if I slept on the roof.'

"Hey Class Rep where is Toji?"

He noticed that she seemed to have been shaken from her own thoughts when he asked the question. Trying not to look directly at the girl he quietly awaited the answer.

"He said he had somewhere he had to be today, he was reluctant to tell me where you were."

Shinji suppressed a smile at hearing that, he didn't have many friends, he didn't know if the way he acted around people actually meant that they were actually his friends. He did know that Toji thought of him as a friend, and he would easily say the boy was the closest thing to a friend that he had ever known. He knew that Toji would probably think that he was going to get him in trouble for missing class. That and Hikari would now know where to look if either of them didn't show up after lunch again.

"And next time you try sleeping on the roof I will come up there and drag you back to class"

He apologised again to her, he felt guilty about it. Hikari was one to take the rules very seriously. 'Guess I'm going to need to find a new place to sleep.' Guilty he may feel but that wouldn't stop him from going somewhere to sleep when he didn't have the energy to play pretend.

"Is something wrong Ikari"

Looking up from moving the desk to the side of the room, he notices that Hikari was looking at him intently.

"I don't know what you mean Class rep; I don't think there's anything wrong." It was true everything was the same, the same as every other day before it, and it would be the same for every day to come, regardless of what he wanted.

"It's just you seemed, very spaced out of it today, and you looked angry leaving the roof. You're not annoyed that you were scolded for missing class?"

He wasn't quite sure how she had managed it but her question sounded more along the lines of, 'you can't complain because you did skip class.' However he was surprised at the first part, he was tired that day, maybe more so than usual but no one ever picked up on it before. He was also sure that he had passed her when he had started feeling angry at himself, but he wasn't too sure on that one.

"I was tired" the every pathetic little Shinji, the easiest mask to wear. Not that it felt the most natural but it was the one that made people turn away and pretend that everything was alright.

"If you have problems in class, I can help. It is part of the role of Class Representative."

That caught him off guard, true he hadn't spent much time getting to know the girl, and most of his basis for how he thought of her was based off her friendship with Asuka. But her words made him feel… kind of bad at how his prejudgment of her. At another time he would have found it funny that he was using his prejudgments on her as a way to act, and not the ones that she had of him.

However right now he was caught off guard by the question, looking at her he could see that she was being honest. Oddly enough for someone who hides behind masks he can't help but appreciate when someone was being honest with him.

"I'm just…" 'What lonely, sad, sick of hiding behind masks' he knew he couldn't tell the truth, who would want to hear it from him. Who would want to hear the problems of average, bland Shinji Ikari. "Tired"

And when in doubt stick with what you said at the beginning, he knew that it was actually a fraction of the truth meant that he could say it without any real problem.

She looked sad at his reply, but that couldn't be the case, she would have nothing to be sad about.

"Okay then" her eyes were downcast.

And once again the feeling of guilt washed over him, he didn't know why it didn't make any sense to him however that didn't stop him from feeling guilty.

"If you want…"

"You know there isn't much left I can finish up by myself." Deciding that it was best to try and cut the conversation short.

"Okay" her voice was low, not like the low threatening voice Asuka uses when Misato is in the apartment, it sounded closer to himself when he would agree to do whatever it was Asuka was telling him to do.

He couldn't help but watch as she made her way towards the door. Stopping just before she left.

"You know if you have any problems I will gladly listen" and with that she left the room.

Being by himself Shinji pulled out one of the remaining seats and set at the desk. 'How is it that I had read her so wrong?'

Looking back at it he noted that he hadn't paid as much attention to her as he had the rest of his classmates. There was a very simple reason for that, he felt uncomfortable around her. Since the day he had first come to the class he had felt uncomfortable around Hikari Horaki, he didn't know why, it was different from others he felt uncomfortable around.

Sitting in the empty room he felt annoyed at himself, at lunch time he would have been able to say that he knew what everyone in the class thought of him, and how they viewed him. However at the same time he had forgotten that Hikari was in today.

And then there short time cleaning the room showed that he had made a mistake, he didn't know how she viewed him, but he had based her off second hand information and her friendship with Asuka.

Sitting alone in the class room his mind began to wonder, it moved to realms of fantasy with thoughts he never dared hope for, 'I wonder if she seen through my masks.'

That thought thrilled and terrified him, the idea that someone would notice him was something he had wanted but dared not wish for. However he had been wearing them for so long what if the boy underneath was something that they hated, what if it was something he hated more than the masks.

Finishing the task of cleaning the classroom he wondered what it would be like to not need to wear his masks.


	3. Chapter 3

I own Nothing

Once again he set alone in the park, he felt sick with himself, and he wanted to blame his father for what happened, he wanted to kill the man. But he couldn't help but think how it was his entire fault, if only he had done something, if only he had of fought then things could have been different.

But he was scared; he was scared that if he fought he may cross the line that he had marked out for himself. It didn't matter in the end he crossed it whether he was willing to or not. By his actions he had hurt someone; he had hurt his friend, the only one that he truly thought of as a friend.

He would leave Tokyo-3, he didn't know where he would go, he didn't know what he would do, all he knew was he needed to be as far away from here as possible.

He could go back to his old teacher, but he didn't want that, he wanted to be somewhere where no one knew his name, somewhere that he didn't need to wear the masks he had crafted. He wanted to be free from the burden that he had placed on his own shoulders.

Sitting there he had to wonder why he didn't do something; he knew he didn't want to hurt another person. He believed that if he were to cross that line he would have to create a mask to suit it, and he didn't want to create another mask. 'Maybe it was all the eyes on me.'

The thought wasn't strange he had done it his whole life; he has acted the way that people thought he should act. He hated himself even more as the thoughts ran through his head, 'Toji got hurt because I acted the way everyone thinks I should act.'

He can feel the hatred rise up, the same hatred that comes every time he thinks about how he acts towards others. How he tries to live so he won't be hated by anyone. And now because of that someone was hurt.

He could feel the sting in his eyes as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He hated it, he hated every moment he had acted so that others wouldn't hate him, he hated how he was, and he hated that someone was hurt because of him.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to shout. He wanted to stop hating himself so much, "Why can't I just be me?" He didn't shout it like he wanted to but he did speak aloud, louder than any time before. He buried his head in his arms and let the tears he has held in for so long be released.

He wanted it to stop, for even just one moment he wanted to stop wearing his masks. He was shaken from his thoughts as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you alright Ikari?"

He recognised the voice, slowly raising his head from his hands he tried to wipe away the tears that streaked his face. "Why are you here Class rep?" He didn't mean for his voice to sound cold, he wasn't even sure at that moment how he wanted to be.

"I saw you on the way home you looked troubled."

He lowered his eyes to the grass again; he had to wonder if he just stayed quiet would she leave.

"You know the offer still stands; if you want to talk I will listen."

He turned to look at her; he noted that it was the same as the other day, while she looked nervous her eyes shone with honesty that he had never known someone could have. He felt nervous looking at her, he couldn't help it. Every time he looked at her he felt nervous and was torn between looking away and continuing to look.

"I… am leaving Tokyo-3" he didn't know why he started with that; he didn't know why he answered her in the first place. Part of him hoped she would leave, not wasting her time trying to be nice to him, he didn't deserve it. He wanted to turn away from her, but he couldn't stop himself from looking at those eyes. 'I never noticed they are slightly Hazel.'

"Why?"

'Why?' such a simple question, she wanted to know why he would leave when he wanted to know why he ever stayed in the first place.

"I just can't take it any…" his words were cut short as the siren sounded announcing the presence of an Angel.

00-00

"So you're really not going to fight?"

Shinji sat against the wall at the back of the shelter; he didn't know what to say to the question, he thought it was obvious that if he was here it meant that he wasn't going to fight. 'This will be the last time I will have to hear those sirens.'

"I can't do it anymore" he wasn't sure why he was telling her, he wanted it to all be over. He wanted to be far away from Tokyo-3. As he sat his mind wondered back to the event a few days ago, when he had nearly killed Toji. He couldn't believe how it had all turned out; he didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't want to be the person they all thought he was. 'To be myself, is that too much to want.'

"You can't fight anymore?"

There was no scorn at him for running, no contempt at his actions, she seemed kind of sad. He wasn't sure why she seemed sad. 'Is it because I can't fight?' No he wasn't running from the fighting. He didn't want to act anymore; he didn't want to play pretend, to play the part that people thought. He found it ironic that in running so he wouldn't have to be what they thought he was, he was doing exactly what they thought he would.

"I…I…can't… pretend anymore." He didn't know why he was saying it to her, maybe it was because he was going to leave and he wanted someone to know the truth. Maybe it was because when he looked at her he felt a slight sense of calm mixed in with the nervousness. Maybe he was just tired of lying.

"Pretend?"

He could see the confusion on her face, the low crease in her brows as she said the words; how her eyes seemed to stare off as if she was trying to remember the last time he had acted differently to suit the thought of 'pretend'. It wouldn't help her; she would draw the same conclusion every time.

"Pretend about what?" her voice was soft, but the confusion was evident.

He tried to hold everything in; he tried really hard not to show his problems. He knew that he had done a good job; she had been the one to come closest to realising that he was having problems, but she would never understand it unless it was actually told to her. Maybe it was that line of thought that caused the break, that no one would be able to figure it out unless they were told about it.

He wasn't too sure if that was true or not but it did explain why he had started crying when she asked her question. One of his secret wishes was for another to realise his problems and want to help, for one to see that it was a mask he wore and want to remove it to see what was truly beneath. To see what scared him more than anything else and to protect him from that fear. But alas it would never happen, none would ever see, so no one would ever be there to help.

"It's…alright."

He didn't know when it had happened but she was sitting beside him now with an arm over his shoulder trying to sooth him. He couldn't stop himself from shaking at the contact; it was the first time in his life that someone had come so close to holding him. The more he shook the firmer the hand on him became, he was torn between wanting her to let go so she wouldn't have to put up with him, and wanting her to hold him still.

"You don't have to talk about it." Her voice was soothing; it helped to stop the trembling.

'Why is she being so nice?' it didn't make sense to him, he had never done anything to help her, why would she bother with him. He wanted to follow her words and not talk, he wanted to sit in silence and just wait for the end of the battle so he could leave. But a little part of him wanted something more selfish than that, it wanted her to stay with her arm around him, if he stayed silent she might think he was fine and leave.

He didn't know what caused him to say his next words, maybe it was the selfish part of him that hoped that she would stay where she was and listen. Maybe his more reasonable side thought she could help, or maybe it was because he was tired of lying and pretending.

"I…I…can't take it anymore, all I have ever done in life is lie to those around me." His eyes began to heat up as fresh tears started to form, he could feel the sting in his eyes as they left rolling towards the floor. The firm hand on his shoulder started to waver.

"All I have ever done is pretend to be what everyone thought I was" Trying to stop the tears from falling he placed his hands over his eves hoping that they stem the flow.

"I hate it, I hate acting this way, I hate how others see me" he couldn't help but notice that the hand had left his shoulder; he was probably scaring her off. He couldn't stop though; it felt like a dam was bursting after a few cracks were placed in it.

"I hate pretending that I am like this, just being whatever anyone wants me to be. I'm tired of being this way." He could feel it happening like so many times before, the sadness at how he viewed his life was slowly giving way to anger. He could feel it rising up inside wanting to break free.

"I hate running, being scared, being this pathetic wimp." His could feel his body tremble with anger again, the sting of his hands as his grip tightened digging his fingernails into them, his hair tightening between that grip of his fingers, the force of his palms pushing against his eyes.

"I don't want to be the person that everyone thinks I am I don't want to pretend. All I want is to be me." He could feel the fresh tears leaving his eyes, staining his clothes as they fell.

He couldn't see her with his balled fists covering his eyes, but he knew he had scared her away, he should have known better, he should have known that if someone seen what was lurking beneath it would scare them. It scared him, why wouldn't it scare others.

His mind was at war, part of it wanting to put the masks back on, pretend to be joking, to pretend that he wasn't falling apart. While another part of him wanted to continue, to say the things that he had wanted to say. To say the words that he wanted others to hear. He had given up hope that she would listen, she seemed to be afraid of him.

As his tears fell he could feel the heat in his chest build up, like so many times before when the sorrow got too much it started to change. He would stop feeling sorry for himself, and only anger would remain. The anger that he brought upon himself by playing pretend, by losing himself within the masks he wore.

"Am I not allowed to just be myself? Is that too much to ask?" And like always as fast as the anger came upon him it left. And just like always he sat alone. No matter what happened he would always come to the same conclusion he would never be able to change, he would just keep going around in circles.

"No it's not." The voice was soft barely above a whisper.

He wasn't expecting to hear that, he thought she had left, to let him be by himself like so many others in his life had done. How many times had he asked that question hoping to hear a response, but now that it had finally happened he didn't know what to say.

He slowly removed his hands from covering his eyes to see her kneeling in front of him, he felt like a dear in the headlights. Someone had finally answered the question that he had long plagued himself with and he didn't know what to do next.

He felt that unease build up again as he looked at her, his mind battled between turning away or stay where he was.

"What is it you want to do?"

The more she spoke the easier it was to make the decision to stay. Her face was mixture of emotions; the foremost was sadness and concern. She moved to be seated beside him again.

"If you are tired of pretending, what is it that you want to do?"

It was the question that he had always avoided, what did he want to do. What was it that Shinji Ikari wanted to do?

"I don't want to pretend, all I have ever done is pretend and survive. I don't want to do it any longer." It was a simple truth, all his life was pretending to fit in, to play a part and continue surviving.

"Is that why you're leaving?"

"I don't want to run… I just… I just…" he knew he was close to something, his mind shouted to just put on his mask, to wait and then leave he could be something different once he was out of Tokyo-3. His fingers tried to dig into the floor. He was so close to saying something truthful, a small part of him was aware of the fact that if he didn't say it now, it might be eleven years before he gets to this point again.

The words were on the tip of his tongue but he just couldn't get them out. As he tried to form the words that he wanted to say an image of Toji crossed his mind, and a small voiced whispered in his head, 'you don't deserve to live when you caused him this much pain.'

All the resolve to say anything left his body, the whisper was right, his actions had caused Toji pain how could he sit here and say anything about what he wants. How could he accept the kindness of the girl in front of him?

His body fell limp against the wall, he couldn't say anything, whatever he wanted in life didn't matter he had hurt someone through his actions how could he possibly ask for anything. The world felt cold he wanted to hide away now more than ever but he couldn't; there was no ware to run to, no way to hide. He had come too far to pretend that he had been joking all along; he had nowhere to go he had lost the safety of his masks and now all he could do was stare at what he had wrought.

And she was there in front of him looking for an answer to the question, why did she waste time on him, he hadn't deserved it, she should be with her family now not talking to him. He couldn't meet her eyes; he didn't want to see them.

"I don't deserve to live" his voice sounded foreign to him. He had his answer, no matter what he wanted what he would like, he would only get what he deserved and what he deserved was nothing.

He wasn't to shocked when he felt something hard hit the side of his face, his brain was working on autopilot he had accepted that the answer would provoke a response, and the most likely response to someone who said they didn't deserve life was always to strike them. In some reach of his mind he thought it had to do with knocking sense into the person.

"Why?" she spoke in the same soft tone. He couldn't look at her, he didn't want to see what expression she had, he could guess by the hit that the words angered her, and the sound of her voice implied sadness and confusion. But he didn't want to find out if he was right. He wanted to be alone now more than ever.

The silence seemed to stretch, and he didn't make a move to answer, he would have stayed like that until he felt something soft on the side of his face. He didn't resist the soft tug that brought his eyes level with hers, his breath caught in his throat as he looked into her Hazel eyes. He didn't want to see the concern; he didn't deserve any of it. Why couldn't she understand that?

"Why would you say that?" it was a near whisper, part of him wanted to push her hands away, but he couldn't do it.

"Because of me… because of what I did… Toji… Toji is in the hospital." He watched as the words sank in, her eyes going wide at the news and her hand started to tremble.

"How, what happened?" She was shaking as she spoke, he hated that he caused this.

"Toji was the pilot of Unit 03… it was infected and became an angel" his mind couldn't help but wonder back to the fight, how the lumbering Unit 03 moved over the planes as it walked to Tokyo-03, both Rei and Asuka had been incapacitated by it.

"I didn't want to fight… they wanted me to… I couldn't… there was someone inside it" he could feel his throat clenching as he spoke, the image of the black Evangelion strangling him.

"I did nothing... so they activated the Dummy plug… it… it…" he couldn't finish the sentence his eyes were stinging he didn't even realise when he had started crying again, he closed his eyes he couldn't look at her, he felt the warm hand leave the side of his face.

"I did nothing… if only I had… maybe" he was suddenly cut off when he felt two arms slowly wrap around him.

"It's okay, it wasn't your fault" she said it so soothingly that he wanted to believe her, and for the first time in two days he didn't feel cold.

"If I had of done something" he tried forming a reply but before any more words could leave his mouth she pulled back her head and looked him in the eyes.

"You don't know that, you didn't want to hurt anyone, so it's not your fault" she tried offering a weak smile but her eyes were brimming with tears; she was hurting and trying to comfort him. He couldn't understand it.

"Why, why are you being so kind to someone like me?"

She offered a slightly brighter smile then her previous one, "You're a good person Shinji, it's not your fault so don't say you don't deserve to live, okay" as she ended the sentence her small smile got a little bit bigger, as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Both teenagers sat in silence, Shinji couldn't help but feel slightly awkward with Hikari's arms still around him. After a moment she broke off the hug, he felt slightly less awkward as well as something else that he couldn't quite place.

As she stood up, she looked down at him, he hadn't realised until then he was still gazing into her eyes. She still held a smile as she spoke, "So Shinji what is it that you want to do?" She was still willing to hear what he wanted.

He knew the answer; he knew it simple because it was the one thing he also wanted to deny himself. "I want to…" could he do it though, even if she told him it was okay, could he really do it, he had hurt people by his actions either directly or indirectly.

However before he was able to finish speaking the front of the shelter caved in, both teenagers turned to the front in order to see what had caused the damage.

"No" "Asuka!" in the front of the shelter lay the head of Unit 02, it's four green eyes dimming out, pushing forward both made it to the hole in the wall in time to see the body of Unit 02 minus its head and arms fall to the ground as the angel made its way forward.

"Oh God, Oh God" Hikari was shaking at the sight of the Angel.

Shinji stood looking out at the advancing Angel, his body was trembling, he watched as Unit 00 charged the Angel caring an object. 'Why are they not using Unit 01?' he watched as Unit 00 tried forcing through the Angels AT field, as it broke through a massive explosion went off, Shinji had seen one like it before. "An N2 mine" the words died in the air as the explosion caused a shockwave.

He stood in silence as he watched the long paper thin arms slash through Unit 00. Watching both his comrades fall Shinji's mind gave him an ultimatum, 'sit and die or fight and live' he realised that it was a simple truth, he wanted to live, he wanted to have a life, and in order to do that he would have to fight. With that in his mind he made his decision.

"Hikari" he turned and looked at the girl at his side, "I want to live" it was odd he came to a realisation that he had eluded for years yet he didn't feel any different, it was like being told don't touch the hot stove, after you realise why you shouldn't touch it you just accept the fact not to do it again.

"So if I have to fight to live and protect others that's what I will do" he felt slightly more determined about his course of action. She was looking at him with wide eyes after witnessing the destruction the Angel had caused. "You should get to a safer location."

Before leaving he did the one thing he never thought that he would be able to do, he smiled at her, not a forced smile to make someone believe he was alright. He smiled a true smile, "Thank you for listening, and for being… you."

Before she could give a reply he had taken off, he felt slightly lighter as he ran, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't know if he would be able to ever truly remove the masks he wore, he didn't know if the world would see the real him, but that didn't matter anymore. One person did, one person say beneath the problems, and she had shown him kindness, even if he was running to his death he wouldn't be able to live unless the enemy was defeated. And if he was to die fighting it then he would at least take it with him.

Fin

00-00

Okay so I am not sure how this turned out, I have rewritten it a few times, and I am not truly happy with how it went.

Truthfully I think that's it I had originally planned to make three chapters for this story, and I don't think I can write anymore that can possibly add anything to it.

So to all those that read this I hope you enjoyed it. And have a safe trip home.


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